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Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Best Jack Donaghy Quotes Ever

If you have any sense of comedy, you know that 30 Rock is one of the funniest shows on television. The dry wit is probably too fast and too smart for most viewers, but for me, there's honestly no other character on TV that makes me laugh harder than Alec Baldwin's portrayal of NBC Executive Jack Donaghy. Here are some of his best quotes:

Jack: [to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
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Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?
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Jack: I like when a woman has ambition; it's like seeing a dog wearing clothes.
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Dennis: Dennis Duffy, Beeper King.
Jack: That's a sharp tie you've got there, Dennis.
Dennis: That douchebag up front made me wear it.
Jack: Does he know you're the Beeper King?
Dennis: I don't think so.
Liz: This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.
Dennis: Hold on a second, this place ain't that nice, alright. It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.
Liz: No rat talk tonight, okay.
Dennis: [to Jack] You know there are 17 million rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?
Jack: I think I read about that in The New Yorker. [pause] Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.
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Tracy: I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I have two ears and a heart, don't I?
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C.C.: I've been going crazy the last few days thinking about our night together. How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. How you made me that Western omelet at 4 AM. I've never met anyone like you, Jack.
Jack: Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences 'til the sex goes bad then... we'll walk away bitter and angry.
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Jack: Conan, Tracy’s really excited to be back on your show.
Conan: I don’t know. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.
Conan: That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan: What’s the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan: Tell Tracy I’ll see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, red.
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Jack: I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness.
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Jack: I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.
Kenneth: Thank you, sir!
Jack: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth... and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.
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Jack: What are you doing in Harlem?
C.C.: Oh I'm working out of the Clinton offices for a few weeks. I'm helping Hillary retool her Universal Health care platform.
Jack: God, I want to kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.
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Jack: Devon, what can I do for you?
Devon: I think we're way past that Jack. Let's be honest with each other. I'll go first. I'm gay and I want your job.
Jack: Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind. I'm not afraid of you.
Devon: Yeah? Well you should be.
Jack: Let's just see how it all shakes out in the meeting.
Devon: Yeah, let's... Oh, by the way, a little slim-waisted birdie in a page jacket told me you got nothing! You're going down.
Jack: No, Devon....I don't do that.
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Jack: Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.
Liz: A businesswoman.
Jack: I don't think that's a word.
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Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)?
Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.
Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?
Liz: I've got like twelve grand in checking.
Jack: Are you an immigrant?
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Jack: Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.
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Jack: Once I set my mind on something I have to accomplish it. 10 years ago I was one and a half inch shorter than I am today. Pure will-power.
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Jack: And Devorah is testing off the charts in the most profitable demographics: Soccer moms, NASCAR dads, white collar pervs and the obese.
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Liz: Where's Gary?
Jack: Gary's dead. I'm Jack Donaghy. New VP of development for NBC/GE/Universal/Kmart.
Pete: Oh, we own Kmart now?
Jack: No. So why are you dressed like we do?
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Jack: ...let me ask you a question, Kenneth. If Mr. Bright here told you to vote Republican, would you do it?
Kenneth: Oh no Sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.
Jack: That's Republican. We count those.
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Jack: I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but apparently that's some signal in Chelsea.
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Kenneth: [Excited about cable TV] There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you what's on the other channels!
Jack: I know, Kenneth. It's okay.
Kenneth: I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy. ...Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?
Jack: You're damn right he is, Kenneth.
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Liz: You're 12 years older than everyone here.
Jack: Rich 50 is middle class 38.
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Liz: We need to get these guys! Don't you know the Postmaster General?
Jack: I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'd return Joan Baez's phone calls.
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Priest: Don't you have faith?
Jack: I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton.
Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School.
Jack: [scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition. And... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.
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Jack: Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.
Frank: My client has no memory of that.
Jack: I also would have accepted "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."
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Jack: I've spent the better part of the last 3 years developing a portable, miniature microwave oven. Most of that time has been spent coming up with a hip, edgy name for the product, something that will appeal to the marketing Holy Trinity - college students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals.
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Jack: She needs to lose thirty pounds or gain sixty. Anything in between has no place on television.
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Jack: This ought to prove my mother wrong, saying Donaghy is Gaelic for failure. What the hell does she know, she's a Murphy; Bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists.
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Jack: I haven't met your boyfriend.
Liz: His name's Floyd.
Jack: That's unfortunate.
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Jack: He is not your friend, he's your opponent. He's going to try to grab all the marbles and it's our job to hide them.
Liz: That's not how you play marbles, Jack.
Jack: But that's how you keep them.
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Jack: Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry is just another way to rap.
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Bianca: Congratulations John, she's much sharper than the other girl you had what was her name?
Jack: Beyonce.
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Jack: Lemon, today is the first day of the rest of your life; and what is the first thing you need to do?
Liz: I have to break up with Dennis.
Jack: And if you don't break up with him now?
Liz: He'll just keep showing up at work to sell beepers; we'll just get more and more tangled up in each other's lifes 'till I can't even get away and we're just like... Oh, my God!
Jack: That's right! He's the Rat King. And there's only one way to break up with a rat, you have to cut him off completely.
Liz: I know.
Jack: You have to stuff your heart with steel wool and tin foil. You must be ruthless, you must be absolute. Remember always you are the exterminator, say it!Liz: I am the exterminator
Jack: Say it like you mean it!
Liz: [louder] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Louder!
Liz: [shouts] I am the exterminator!
Jack: Okay, not that loud. People are trying to work around here.
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Jack: So, how did it go.
Liz: He moved in with me.
Jack: Well, of course he did.
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Liz: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.
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Jack: Lemon, I don't know how to do this.
Liz: I know.
Jack: I don't get it. It's not the fear. I thrive on fear.
Liz: Yeah, you're lookin' out a fake window right now, by the way.
Jack: I bow hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson to practice escaping. And it's not the public speaking, there's just something about performing I can't wrap my brain around. All this creative crap. Acting. Ahhh. I've never been able to do it. Never.
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Liz: ... Any dumb-dumb can act, Jack, so be a man and get it done.
Jack: If you were any other woman on Earth, I would be turned on right now.
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Jack: Poker night? How many play?
Liz: Oh, you're not going to come to our crappy poker night, are you?
Jack: No, I'm not going to come.
Liz: [relieved] Good!
Jack: I bluffed. I am coming.
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Jack: You are a puzzle, Kenneth Ellen, and I'm going to solve you. Yes I am.
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Jack: Kenneth, I really wasn't going to fire you, I just wanted to remind you that I could. I want you back here at six in the morning sharp so you can sweep up these shrimp tails.
Kenneth: Yes sir, Mr. Donaghy!
Jack: I have my eye on you Kenneth.
Kenneth: You will not be disappointed sir.
Liz: Well it was nice of you to let him keep his job.
Jack: The Italians have a saying, Lemon, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And, although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct.
[Kenneth unlocks his bike and they watch him happily ride away]
Jack: In five years we'll either be working for him, or dead at his hand.
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Jack: [about Rosemary] Fire her...and don't ever make me talk to a woman that old again.
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Liz: Oh you should do it. It will be hilarious.
Jack: Well, that will be a refreshing change of pace for the show, won't it?
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Liz: What made you think I was gay?
Jack: Your shoes.
Liz: Well, I'm straight.
Jack: Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.
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Jack: Alfredo 2pm.
Liz: I'm not dressed for that.
Jack: You're dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?
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Liz: I'm feeling pretty drunk.
Jack: Well, it's business drunk, it's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive.
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Jack: Of course it was. It would have been expensive and practical and offensive to both the red states and the gayer blue states.
Cooter: This is exactly what we're looking for.
Jack: A guaranteed disaster. Like eating a burrito before sex.
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Jack: Lemon, come here - you've got to see this. It's a video of a baby panda sneezing. Sit here.
[Liz sits and Jack starts the video]
Jack: Don't watch the mother; just watch the baby.
Liz: Oh, that is the cutest thing I've ever seen!
Jack: Isn't that adorable? You have to fire ten percent of your staff.
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Jack: Save it Liz, I booked the 911 Bird. Winston here saved his owner by dialing 911 and yelled fire, only because he didn't know the word for rape.
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Jack: Jonathan's going to round up all the cool Republican celebrities.
Liz: [laughs] Like who, Chuck Norris?
Jack: No, C-No and I had a falling out after I switched to another dojo.
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Liz: Wait, you’ve already thought about fighting her?
Jack: Everytime I meet a new person, I figure out how I’m gonna fight them.
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Jack: When will this be made public, sir? I want my mother to know before she dies so goes to her grave a defeated woman.
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Liz: Didn't you just get a haircut two days ago?
Jack: I get my hair cut every two days. After all, your hair is your headsuit. I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novack, it's being thrown by John McCain and Jack Bauer.
Liz: Em, I don't think he's real.
Jack: [laughs] I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real.
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Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
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Liz: What's with the cookie jar?
Jack: I collect them.
Liz: Really, is that some kind of unresolved childhood thing?
Jack: Nice try. Eh, we never had any cookiejars in my home because my mother never baked a silly cookies 'cause she never felt we deserved any cookies so obviously it has nothing to do with my childhood.
Liz: But that cookie jar says 'mom' on it.
Jack: Er, I don't think so. I've always viewed it as an upside down 'wow'.
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Liz: I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone else.
Jack: Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.
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Jack: Tracy, I don't believe in soulmates and I worked to hard to get where I am to sacrifice it for some woman. I don't care if she is beautiful, brilliant and does it like her father's a minister.
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Jack: One minute you're newlyweds, making love on the floor of the Concorde. Then, before you know it, your lawyers are arguing over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.
Liz: You taught your dog to poop in a box?
Jack: Bianca did. But, damn it, I want that box.
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Jack: Where did you two meet? An Amber Alert?
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Jack: You know what family means to me, Lemon? Resentment, guilt, anger... Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.
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Frank: Hey, can you make the teamsters tell us where they make those sandwiches?
Jack: Only if you beat them at a drinking contest. It's in their contract.
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Elisa: You know what your problem is, Jack? You intellectualize everything with your big head!
Jack: Well, you have big boobs!
Elisa: Which you'll never touch again!
Jack: This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.
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Jack: Cookie in the middle of the day?
Liz: I gave blood.
Jack: Does that burn calories?
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Jack: Have you ever been to Florida? It's basically a criminal population. It's America's Australia.
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Jack: My brother Eddie sells faulty sprinkler systems to elementary schools, my cousin Tim fixes NBA games, my mother's an Olympic-level racist, but as for the rest, they're too drunk to do much of anything... unless getting thrown out of a Chili's is a crime.
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Eddie: Say hello to Bono and Sandra Day O'Connor.
Jack: Those are the stupidest first names I've ever heard.
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Jack: Uhh no! I could make up some excuse Kenneth but I have too much respect for you. During your party I will be listening to some Schubert and ironically some Candadian Porn.
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Jack: Next stop: home ownership. Just kidding. The middle class is dying. You'll be renting forever.
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Bartender: Sir, here is your nancy drew.
Jack: For men its called a Hardy Boy.
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Jack: The president is only going to veto your crazy social programs-- the founding fathers never intended for the poor to live into their forties.
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Jack: I haven't seen this many riled up dirtbags since CVS started to put the cold medicine behind the counter.
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Liz: I guess I'm getting to that age where I don't care what anybody thinks of me.
Jack: You're going to want to get a very short haircut. Resist that urge.
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Jack: We all have ways of coping; I use sex and awesomeness.

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